Do What Scares You. Wear Those Pants.
They say you have to do what scares you. So here’s a bombshell - I am scared.
You know that moment when you're really close to the finish of something and then start to ... doubt? Like truly doubt - you feel that pit-of-the-stomach fear and you sweat through your day and you don’t sleep and…. Do you ever have that? I do. Recent thoughts include:
I can’t sing.
I might mess up in front of my students!!!!
Can they see my fingernails on camera? Are these pants too tight?
My stories are totally lame. Also why would you hashtag your own family?
I don’t understand social media for the life of me.
They will think I’m crazy (actually I’m ok with this one - I know I resemble that remark).
Music promises hope; to distill a story, make it relevant and illuminate it with music is a process that I am coming to love and see as my way of interacting with the world. This crazy, heartbreaking pandemic has given me a sense of urgency about my creative work: to share what’s in my heart in the way that makes the most sense to me and helps others make sense of their lives in the process is paramount, vital, satisfying. But creating these cabaret evenings is really hard; It’s hard as in a lot of work and also hard to get this personal. We do not tell stories as they are, Anaïs Nin wrote (allegedly), we tell stories as we are.
They say you have to do what scares you.
I have to remind myself every day that it happens word by word, note by note, and not all in a perfect rush; the thing is just to show up every day and be open. And listen to your broccoli (Anne Lamott’s gorgeous and hilarious “Bird by Bird” is a constant on my bedside table.) I also have to remind myself that this show is about the strongest two women I know: my grandmothers. They must have been cared more than a few times in their lives but they did the scary thing anyway - not necessarily because there was no other choice but because it was the right thing.
Leave it to my brilliant little sister - she's the beauty in stripes above with our mom - to give me a “shot in the arm” when I needed it most (not THAT shot - still waiting). She posted this pic of us with our mom; her caption was on point and her use of hashtags was masterful; she has her own worthy endeavors to keep afloat, yet she took the time to be supportive when I was feeling awfully vulnerable. I’m her “link in bio,” and that says it all.
Also she sent me flowers.
Also my best friend sent a funny postcard to keep me motivated.
Also my #SpiritAnimal took a “playbill” of my concert to her weekly show and share.
